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Home >> Diet Forums >> messed up with daughter. (help)

messed up with daughter. (help)

cvalh said: "Lakelady... I read this, and wanted to respond, but I don't know how because in my eyes, you're the rational one. I'm not even sure I totally get why she's upset? Is this the same one who got into the big fight with her husband about the family vacation? If so, it sounds like there are some issues here beyond not being able to get pregnant."

spectrachic311 said: "Lakelady--I can sort of relate to where Lil is coming from here. I, too, am sort of wondering if I really am selfless enough at this point in my life to have kids. If your daughter is your height, 113 llbs, and is all muscle, her body fat has to be too low to have kids. I know that's my big obstacle right now. It's kind of hard to have sex when you're ovulating when you don't get your period. Maybe she is just trying to justify things to herself...doesn't want to let herself go, etc. I know that I am sort of afraid of "letting myself go" after having kids because my mom gained a lot of weight after having kids. I don't think she's really afraid her husband will lose interest, but she's more afraid that SHE won't find herself attractive anymore. I don't really know what you can say to her except that you care about her health and so does her husband. If she can't get pregnant at her body fat level, it's too low. (Trust me...I've seen a few specialists about this. They won't let her see a fertility specialist until she's gained enough weight to prove that that's NOT the cause of her infertility). And I mean, come on, it's not like she doesn't have a great role model to show her she can do it :) I hope everything works out!"

spectrachic311 said: "Oh, I didn't mean anything bad...I'm just trying to kind of explain why I'M having issues with this whole thing. My husband actually keeps bugging me to GAIN weight because he thinks I'd be a lot more healthy at a higher weight. I don't know if Lil's husband is the same way...I think if he DID want her to be so skinny and felt unattracted to her if she gained weight, he's the one with the problem. I really hope that isn't the case. And Lakelady--get this--my sis is pregnant right now!! She's terrified of the weight gain (she's got the same complex as I do), but she and I are going to train for a 5K together once she can get back into running (she was JUST starting to get into running when she found out she was pregnant). Plus, she's nursing afterwards, so that'll help. I think if I see her go through everything successfully, I'll be a little more relaxed. Anyways, I really hope Lil works through all this stuff...I know you want to be a GRANDMA!!! :)"

spectrachic311 said: "And it's not like having kids is the only reason people gain weight, anyways. My aunt (mom's sis) is 40 and never had kids, but she's had a weight problem for a long while. She knows it's because she eats out too often and likes her food full-fat and flavorful. She also thinks it's funny that my mother has told us that "having kids made her fat", since her youngest kid is now 21 years old. I think my mom just told us that as an excuse or something. I know the reason why she's overweight and it's not necessarily from having kids. She's had food issues since she was a teenager and her mother put her on diets. I think I've seen enough fit mothers to know that it can be done and it's just a matter of priority. My mother could have exercised when we were little; she just didn't "feel like it" (she hates to sweat) and she's never really liked eating healthy foods (my dad's the health nut in the family). So yeah, having kids only messes with your body for a short while. It's important to make sure your body is healthy and ready to support a baby though. Tell your daughter I know where she's coming from and that I hope she gets through everything soon :) Oh, BTW...kind of an unrelated question, but isn't Nicole Ritchie pregnant? She's like a twig. I wonder how she even weighs enough to have a period and get pregnant? And gals like me and Lil weigh more than that and are having trouble with it?"

Kat_the_Amazon said: "Well, i commented earlier but my computer crashed and i never did re-comment.. But mine went kind of with everyone else.. You ARE her mother after all.. just looking after her best interests!! P.S. i so agree with you"

klynnfosh said: "I am so glad you resolved your issue with your daughter. I can understand how both you feel. I know as a mom you want the best for your child and what your concerns over her husband may be. One thing we have to realize is that is her life and her choice. When she become frustrated with not conceiving than you can give her information and help if she asks. 9 times out of 10 our kids think we know nothing and the do the opposite of what we tell them. As to understanding her point I know when I gained weight with my boys I felt fat and unattractive for a long time, and when I kept the weight on for years I knew my husband could not love me as much as before even when he said he did. It mentally puts us in the postion to doubt ourselves and not believe we are good enough or that we deserve to be loved. Body image is playing a big part, and she probably is worried about being pregnant and gaining any weight, but she will need to in order to have a healthy baby. I hope it all works out and she and hubby will have a healthy happy baby."

help6363 said: "Mothers and daughters...there seem to be a constant power struggle between the two..... God knows why!!! Karen...... you will probably not agree but I would do the following..... go to her, tell her you are sorry and that you know her hubby will make a great father. Make up something (I do to keep the peace with MY mum) tell her you felt hurt by that comment about her husband losing interest if she was overweight cause you were overweight...... At the end of the day all that matters is that the problem is resolved. Your daughter is young and like it or not there is pressure for women to look skinny or their partners will not be happy.....WHAT A CRAZY SOCIETY WE LIVE IN! I am sure you have heard all that stuff about 'yummy mummies'. They had a news article here...... woman starving themselves to fit the part. If going to her doesn't work send her some flowers with it written on a card. Tell her that you adore her no matter what size she is and if a guy could not do the same then he is a head case. Furthermore, it hurts YOU as a mother that some guy would judge her that way. Then ask her if she sees your point. Tell her you were sticking up for her in YOUR way and she could be a supermodel! Of course you were right, Karen and she was wrong but I know daughters ..... they (or rather us daugthers) NEVER admit to it! Chin up, Karen! I know this will work out....hugs!"

help6363 said: "[QUOTE=lakelady][B][I][COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]Cvalh[/COLOR][/I][/B], yep, same one. Scared to fly and covered it up by trying to be a dickhead. (ok, by actually [I]BEING[/I] a dickhead) [COLOR="mediumturquoise"][I][B] Spectra[/B][/I][/COLOR], yeah I get that your mom and I got fat after we had kids. I feel bad enough about that. You girls can't step past the bad role models? I feel AWFUL about this! I think I may have messed up lils life forever and given her a disorder because I let myself be fat for 6 years. Let's not even talk about the fact that she's scared to get fat because of hubby! [I][U]I[/U][/I] sure didn't pick him![/QUOTE] Why are mothers so hard on themselves? There is WORSE things than having an overweight mother...... Geeze, people. I know friends who complain their mother gave them a complex because they always watched their weight. Sure things shape us...... let's not get too dramatic here people! Karen..... stop feeling AWFUL! Feel proud...... NOW!!!!! Us children need to take responsibility for our own actions....... you can take a horse to water but cannot make him or her drink."

lakelady said: "Well, I've really screwed up with my 28 year old daughter. [B][I][COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]Klynnfosh, where are you??? [/COLOR][/I][/B]You're the only one here with grown children besides me. Here's what I did. Lil (unbeknownst to me) and her husband are trying to get pregnant. (YAY, CELEBRATE!!!!) BUT, her BMI is too low, it needs to be 17% She's kinda like spec, all muscle. She's my height and 113 pounds. When I was very fat for 6 years after teen was born, she was in her teens and she remembers it. She said, "mom, I don't want to let myself go like you did" (I can understand that), but [I]THEN [/I]she said, "I don't want my husband to lose interest in me" I said (much to my regret) "Lillieannen Marisande, you are a physicist, not a supermodel, and if your husband's only interest in you is the way you look then maybe he's not the best father for my grandchild!!" Ok, are there any more ways I could have messed this up??? She of course, isn't speaking to me now. HELP!!!!"

lakelady said: "Thanks Tess!!, all your points??.... mine [I][U]exactly[/U][/I].And you are younger than Lil! My Q is how do I fix the breach, now that I've insulted both her husband and her intelligence?"

lakelady said: "[B][I][COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]Cvalh[/COLOR][/I][/B], yep, same one. Scared to fly and covered it up by trying to be a dickhead. (ok, by actually [I]BEING[/I] a dickhead) [COLOR="mediumturquoise"][I][B] Spectra[/B][/I][/COLOR], yeah I get that your mom and I got fat after we had kids. I feel bad enough about that. You girls can't step past the bad role models? I feel AWFUL about this! I think I may have messed up lils life forever and given her a disorder because I let myself be fat for 6 years. Let's not even talk about the fact that she's scared to get fat because of hubby! [I][U]I[/U][/I] sure didn't pick him!"

lakelady said: "Brit, thanks for your support! I understand weight issues after having kids. I had three and lost the baby weight in three months each time (until teen). You're like me, blessed in your choice of husband. I don't know if Lil has reason to think her hubby will lose interest in her if she gains weight, or if she's doing that to herself. As much as he annoys me, I can't say he's ever been anything but a loyal husband to her. Tell your sis that I ran 5 miles with my bro, on my lunch hour [I]DAILY[/I], until I was 7 months gone, with my second and third pregnancies. This was with my ob/gyn's full approval. Dr. Milius delivered ALL my kids, so he's got some knowledge and skills!!"

lakelady said: "Well, thanks everyone for the support. Actually Lil called to apologize to [I]me[/I]. Apparently she told her sister about our conversation and her sister said that she was a total bi+ch for bringing up the years that I was fat. (Kirstie never minces her words!) I apologized to Lil for what I said about her husband, but told her that I'm her mother, I love her more than anything, and if she has real reason to suspect that her hubby's feelings for her would change if she gained weight, she needs to take a hard look at the marriage before she brings children into it. I asked her to think about what would have happened to OUR family if her own father had been like that! And [COLOR="MediumTurquoise"]fit4me[/COLOR], thank-you especially. Nothing like advice from someone who has been there!!! You made me feel so much better. I look back on those years where I 'let myself go' and realize how much I actually had going on at the time. Hubby was still in the Air Force, and gone a LOT training pilots overseas, I was working, raising 3 teens and a baby. It's not like I was sitting in front of the tv eating bon bons all day. I just was so busy that I slid into TERRIBLE eating habits and I was very secure in my marriage, so I didn't worry how I looked to my husband. Maybe if I'd been new to my marriage like Lil is, it would have been different, but I'd been married nearly twenty years by the time teen made his appearance. All Lil knows is that I was always slender, then I had a baby and got fat. She was too young to remember that I had three others first, and didn't get fat."

fit4me said: "Lakelady, I have 4 kids, the three oldest ones are girls, which my oldest is 26. I can certainly relate to how you may be feeling. I don't know you personally, but I have read many of your threads, and you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders, with a compassionate heart. We have ALL said things at one time or another that we regret later, even the most understanding and patient kind of person has. She may be upset right now over what you said to her, but she will get over it. And PLEASE don't blame yourself for any disorder she may be suffering from. I might think different if you had been obusive to your daughter in some way, but that certainly isn't the case here. Personally, I think it was somewhat rude for your daughter to have brought up your past weight issues and assuming that you were that way because you " LET yourself go". There are SO many other reasons for weight gain, especially as women age. And I guarantee, the least of those reasons would be just because we let ourselves go. Usually it is because we are so consumed with being a mother and a wife and caring for others needs that we tend to put ourselves on the back burner. It isn't because we don't care, we are just otherwise occupied. And with all the running you did when you were pregnant, it was certainly obvious that you DID care about your health and your looks. I mean, for crying in the night.... It takes time and energy and self focus to lose weight, and that just isn't a luxury most mothers of smaller kids have. Kids these days think they know so much, but their talk isn't defined by any kind of experience, it is only defined by what they "THINK" they know to be truth. So don't be to hard on yourself, just give your daughter some time. It sounds like she might be feeling a bit insecure about the weight issue with her husband. If you are concerned with a long term breach, just call her and try to apologize. If she isn't willing to listen, than just give her a little more time. I have found that usually things will work themselves out when another need comes to the forefront. If you have a long standing healthy relationship with your daughter, she will come around. I know that I HATE discord in my family, and sometimes the waiting can be the hardest part, but I will be praying for you and your daughter that things will be resolved quickly and easily. Blessings to you! :) Cindy"

fit4me said: "Lakelady, I am so glad to hear that your relationship with your daughter has been restored. To be at odds with our children can be so hard on us moms. Looking on your situation has given me my own retrospect of my own, having 2 older children, and then 7 yrs later having another daughter and then 3 yrs later having my son. Before my son was even born I had been working part time and trying to raise 3 daughters, while my husband worked a ton of hours at a Tool & Die shop, but finally I quit my job and then became pregnant with my son. While pregnant with my son, I got this crazy idea to go to college part time just to make sure I could do more than just relate to children all day. I had never had any problems getting the pregnancy weight off because I had breast fed all of my children, but when my son was about 4 yrs old, I became extremely anemic because of my periods and was constantly dealing with feeling weak all the time. That is when my initial weight gain began. Through the last 10 yrs my weight has bounced up and down like a yoyo, but never being able to get back to what I weighed after my son was born. I do feel especially blessed though because my children have always been extremely supportive with my efforts to lose these extra pounds, and frankly, my kids have always told me that my weight has never been an issue with them, they have always loved me just the way I am. My son is always telling me, " Moms should NOT be considered to be HOT!!!!, I like you warm and fuzzy!" I laugh and tell him, " But I want to look nice for your dad ,and your DAD thinks I look HOT!!!", and then he replies.....TMI MOM!!!! TMI..... On the other hand, they may think that I don't look so bad only because they have had my much younger half-sister to compare me with. She has had a terrible weight issure since she was very young. She is about 5'8" and her top weight was somewhere over 400 lbs. I have never had that type of weight issue. Dang, sorry about the rambling, anyway, I am just really glad things are on the mend with you and your daughter! :roll:"

BestinTess said: "I want to point something out...I don't know how you'll interpret it, but I only mean well... If your daughter and her husband are attempting to get pregnant and her BMI is too low...and her concern about putting some weight on is that her husband is going to lose physical interest in her.....is she (are they) really ready to make all the sacrifices that children demand? As most mothers know, when there is a child growing inside, it's like your body really isn't yours for 9 months. It's this huge incubator and it's our job to treat it well and make sure that the little life inside is being properly nurtured. I don't have to tell anyone that, really. You might want to remind her that if she plans on breast feeding the baby, then the weight she gains before/during pregnancy will come off. I breast fed...and every woman I know who has breast fed has lost a lot of weight. And besides, if she's working with a doctor, she should be able to put on the appropriate amount of extra weight in a safe manner, correct? But the aforementioned point...might want to put that wrinkle in her head... And again...please don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say, okay? I mean no ill will towards anyone!"

BestinTess said: "My two cents...again... First things..since you're seeking advice... Mostly, you'll probably want to tell her how much you love her no matter what happens. I know that seems kind of like a "duh" sort of thing to do, but we won't go down that road right now... Maybe you should apologize for saying those things...maybe not. I think you're right in being upfront with her on this. If she is really that worried that's he's going to reject her for putting some weight on for the sake of the baby...then what is he going to think when she's 8.5 months gone?? And for that matter...what if she DID gain some weight? There are worse things to happen in life...we're here to support each other to get it off and keep it off...but things happen and life just isn't that simple... So if he is that much of a jerk...then she really needs to make sure that she wants to truly be w/ him and to make sure that having a baby isn't just the illusion of a fix to a marriage in trouble. As you already know, I'm sure...you'll support her on whatever happens. I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd do my best to make sure she knows that bit at the very least, so long as it's healthy and honest support. Things will work out the way they need to. They always do. Keep us posted!"